By Bela Khan
It’s Family Z Now!
When a man coming from family A marries a woman from family B they start something new— family Z. Family Z is neither A nor B— it’s a new family with its own unique set of values, principles, and rules.
If the two pioneers of this family (husband and wife) sit down and decide on their values (yes, they can take all the goodies from their individual families A and B), they’ll save themselves a lot of trouble and much needless bickering.
Referring back to families A and B can be a great source of friction for the couple. For example:
“My family always held dinner parties.”
“My family cooked meals twice a day.”
As a couple you can avoid rifts by developing and agreeing on your own set of values.
This is the way family Z should be thinking:
“My family used to sleep very late but we’ll make sure our family goes to bed early.”
“My family used to spend thousands of dollars on shopping, but our family will opt for the middle path.”
Sounds cool, doesn’t it? Below are a few things to keep in mind while tackling marital differences.
Compassion or Competition?
Let’s be openhearted and realistic enough to accept this reality first: No couple on earth can always live in compassionate harmony. Differences are bound to surface. We need to graciously acknowledge these differences, in both word and deed.
Take a look at this common scenario: The husband is a very passion-driven and career-obsessed man. The wife happens to be a visionary woman, but once the knot is tied, she’s limited to taking care of the laundry, dishes, cooking, and kids 24/7. The husband is not concerned in the least that many of his wife’s innate talents and desires are being stifled.
What should his response be? He can either choose to ignore all the sacrifices the lady is making and declare, in a callously nonchalant manner, “So what? Every woman on earth does this; she’s not doing anything new or unique.”
Or he can place himself in his wife’s shoes; how would it feel if someone deprived him of all the dreams he’d cherished for decades, locking him up in a cage with his life confined to cooking and cleaning?
If the husband could truly empathize with his wife he would definitely try to lessen her household burden (by pitching in to help, hiring a maid, or simply decreasing his demands and lowering the bar) and try to give her adequate time and space to live out her passions.
The same is true for the reverse scenario: Consider the wife who’s well-established in her business and generating revenue from seemingly everywhere while the husband has just lost his job. Will the wife chide him now and label him a “loser,” or will she empathize, giving him a helping hand and reassuring support?
You’re made to find tranquility with and compassion for each other. Competition is for strangers.
And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility and He has put between you love and mercy.” [Quran, 30:21]
You Won’t See Eye to Eye on Every Subject
No matter how strong your compatibility is, no matter how perfect a fit you are for each other, differences of opinion are inevitable. Couples will have disagreements, fights, and heated discussions. Let’s face it— this is part of being human.
Nonetheless there are things you can do to save your home from becoming a battleground every other day:
- Stick to issues that concern you in the present. He might have embarrassed you in front of your sister-in-law 10 years ago, but today isn’t the time to discuss it. If you keep bringing up past issues you’ll never be able to resolve the issues at hand.— you’ll only drift farther apart.
- You might feel that your spouse never pays heed to your instructions and that he or she is always complaining about your mom, but using words like “never” and “always” to highlight the other’s mistakes is lethal.
- Remember, you lose the right to be respected the moment you stop respecting. At the end of the day, both of you are intertwined in a divinely ordained relationship. Name-calling, blaming, and pointing fingers only suit hooligans.
- Win-win solutions always help. Don’t try to have everything in your basket— you’ll only stumble and fall. Mutually beneficial solutions are always helpful in the long run.
And tell My servants to say that which is best. Indeed, Satan induces [dissension] among them. Indeed Satan is ever, to mankind, a clear enemy. [Quran, 17:53]
ACTION STEPS
- Define the values of your family and vow to never go against them, come what may.
- If you haven’t done it lately, steal some moments for compassionate communication, confession, and reunification.
- Come to common terms on at least five issues you haven’t settled yet. Writing them out always helps.
- Brainstorm and share some of your tips with us below in the comments section!
Bela Khan is a writer, speaker, and Muslim Women Empowerment coach. She is the founder and CEO of Muslim Women Empowerment. She helps visionary and mission-driven women to come out of their own conditioning and move past their obstacles to create a ripple of positive difference in the world with their Allah-given talents and gifts. She can be reached at muslimwomenempowerment@gmail.
jazak Allah khairan for the beautiful article. May ALLAH SWT bless you and give us strength to accept this reality and adjust ourselves for happy life here and in after
As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuhu, Very Hon’ble Bela Khan, ALLAH AZZA WAJAL, bless your family, bless your family and bless your family, ameeeen. Very very beneficial words, precisely placed, very logically uniting. Very practically giving step by step guidance. Understand Quran Team, may I request you to repeat such messages every 3 months, definitely ? Life of Jannah, begins right here in this life, by the true & ego-free obedience to ALLAH AZZA WAJAL. Our ideal is our prophet, salle ALLAHU alayhi wa sallam.
Thank you so, so much. Your grandfather.
Ahsan Khaja
Assalamualaikum wr, mashaqjji a very good advice to every muslim and a good reminder.jazalAllah khayran for your efforts please keep up this noble job may Allah subhanahu wa t’aala help you and protect you with all the muslims of the World-Aameen ya Rabbalaalameen.
very good article reminder to all to be balanced. Mashallah
In real life, it does not happen that way: Family Z inherits some characteristics of both parents, even the grandparents. Family Z may also inherit some familial medical disorder.
With all due respect br. AbdurRab Chowdhury, but this article was in no way claiming that this is the natural process happening as two people decide to start a life together as a married couple. Rather it was explaining that the new family can DECIDE to pick the best from both families & to avoid the aspects which wasn’t working too well.
Basically, (the way I see it) it is all about co-operation, communication and compromising. And don’t you think that if this – the husband & wife discussing what their families were like & agreeing to have it “this way” – was to be done in the very beginning of the marriage, they would have succeeded in avoiding some unneccesary and even hurtful disagreements which otherwise would have come up?
I think sr. Bela is suggesting some very good & practical advices on how to bring back (or start off with) more compassion in this valuable relationship.
No one has said marriage will be trouble-free. But that’s excactly why we have to learn to deal with the differences & disagreements in a clever & compassionate manner. Therefore I think any married sister or brother coming across this beneficial article should appreciate it & try act upon the suggested action steps.
jazakallah
You have to go from A to Z and not B. A very good article for the couples caught in mid-life crisis and living in western world.
Mashallah thank you for your article, it is inspiring and has much good advice. I love the Quran verses you picked to include as well. JAK!!
Asslam alaikum, good article and a reminder for us all (even us oldies married 40yrs)!.
@ AbdurRab Chowdhury medical conditions inherited are from Allah also and we should accept them. One can make as many changes as one can,take the positives and leave the negatives. Strive and try to be what you can be,if we don’t reflect and bring about changes,we will remain same as our parents and take forward any detrimental values they may have had. Our parents used to fall out with their kin easily, our children decided that in their lives they won’t have that,that is one thing they changed. No family will be perfect as we are but humans..but there is reward in reflecting,changing and striving to stay on our deen.
salam, nice article, i want to list some of those things that makes marriage work
-prayer
-fear of Allah
-love
-respect for each other
-truthfulness
-commitment
-good communication in the right manner
-sacrifice
-understanding
-patience and perseverance
may Allah put us through, protect our marriage,and reconstruct the broken ones
Salaam
This info is ok for people who are normal, but what I find annoying from a great many Islamic marriage ‘experts’ is that nobody ever talks about the warning signs as in when to bail, how to identify abusive behavior, what are the red strikes that cannot be forgiven/ignored. There are alot of people out there in horrible abusive situations that would be insulted by articles like this. This article is fine for normal well developed Muslims who are having some minor turbulence in their marriage. But there is a drought of information on the more relevant subject in my humble opinion-the subject of dangerous/abusive marriages.
Wasalaams
Wa aliakum salam, brother
You make a very good point, elhamdulillah, and you say it well. Also we have many readers in need of advice in this area. I would like to invite you to submit an article on this topic and relate it to the Quran. If you’re interested, please let me know and I will email you our blogger’s handbook.
Warda Krimi
UQA Social Media Content Manager
very nice. we usually use 2 statements in fight
1- ‘you always do this mistake’ and
2- ‘you never taken care of childs”
words like this.
Hadith(mafhoom): if you see a single good deed in your partner then it is sufficiant to spent life with him/her.
dont expect much from others
Beautiful tips to establish an ideal home with an ideal family