The doctor broke the news: “Another miscarriage.”
“I will leave you forever — you are a barren woman,” said Imran.
“But is it my fault?” I sobbed.
Married happily at the age of 18, I felt myself a very lucky girl. My husband had a good business, and being an only child I was loved by all; I was the center of attention for all the relatives.
After a few months of marriage everyone was inquisitive about when I would become a mother.
After a year I woke one morning with nausea. My mother-in-law was very excited. In the evening she took me to a doctor and after a small test we got the happy news— she was going to be a grandma, and my husband, Imran, was going to be a dad.
My husband, myself, and my in-laws were all very happy at first, but within a few months my mother-in-law fell sick, suddenly bed-ridden from multiple diseases. I quickly became tired from doing the household chores as well as changing my her diapers, bathing her, and feeding her with various saltless dishes and soups. This added not only to my fatigue by also to my nausea.
In the 28th week I felt pains at mid-night. My husband was worried. We rushed to the maternity home.
The nurses on duty checked on me and called the doctor to rush in. I was worried. The doctor was on time but they needed an immediate ultra sound to know what had caused the sudden pains. My husband was beside me, squeezing my hand to give me hope. I was already in tears. The syringes and drips continued and so also my pains they increased. Suddenly I blacked out.
When I woke up I saw my hubby beside me moving his hands on my hair. As soon as he saw my eyes open he declared, “The baby’s gone. You fainted when they wheeled you for the ultrasound. The baby was no more.”
I was inconsolable— I had recently lost my parents in a car accident and my siblings lived in native villages days away from where I lived.
And whatever strikes you of disaster – it is for what your hands have earned; but He pardons much. [Quran, 42:30]
My husband and relatives keep assuring me: “Allah subhanahu wa taala will bestow you with more kids; you are serving your mother-in-law, so Allah will not deny you.” I slowly recovered, but I needed time to get back to normal, which was difficult with my ailing mother in law.
My mother-in-law’s brother had pity on me and took her to their home so that I could recover. Everything returned to normal. In a few months my ailing mother-in-law was back with me.
My husband was going for a lot of business trips. Usually he would take me so that we could have a relaxing time together but these days he preferred going alone because his mother was still bed-ridden.
The last trip really changed him. After he came home he nagged a lot and complained that things were not on time, not as perfect as before.
A Second Chance
I realized I was pregnant again.
My husband wasn’t the least bit interested in taking me to the gynecologist, so I went alone. She warned me to take complete bed rest or else I would lose this child too. I explained everything to my husband. His attitude changed— he was his old loving self again.He wanted to make arrangements for a servant who would take care of his mother and do the housework. I rejoiced at the happiness this bundle of joy was bringing.
My joys ended when I started getting pains again in the 28th week. It was all over so soon. After the miscarriage I was deep in shock and so was my husband. We continued to serve his mother. But a nagging stomach pain wouldn’t leave.
Soon my mother-in-law was hospitalized due to kidney failure and there was more trouble financially as she had to be taken for dialysis twice a week. My stomach pain increased so much that I was forced to go for a checkup.
After the ultrasound the doctor after ultra sound declared, “You’ll never be able to become a mother again. There are too many complications— your uterus will have to be removed.” I can still hear those words keep lingering in my heart.
No More Than We Can Bear
I was still unable to recover from the first shock, and this was a huge blow. I was devastated. But I thought the words of the Quran: Allah does not charge a soul except [with that within] its capacity. [from the Quran, 2:286]
Also: Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while such [trial] has not yet come to you as came to those who passed on before you? They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until [even their] messenger and those who believed with him said,”When is the help of Allah ?” Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near. [Quran, 2:214]
I was also supported by my husband with these words: Allah will bring about, after hardship, ease. [from the Quran, 65:7]
Remorse and Prayers
Gradually I watched him drift away from me. Finally one day he declared, “I will leave you forever; you are a barren woman.”
“But is it my fault?” I sobbed.
He left the house and didn’t return that night or the next, and was gone more than a month. I didn’t have any provisions so I had to sell off my jewelry to feed my mother-in-law and myself.
I wondered, in whose arms does he lie? What does destiny have in store for us? But he hadn’t divorced me, so there was still hope. Every time I tried to sleep a mountain of doubts and thoughts would rise, so I would get up to perform wudu, read the Quran, and pray to Allah.
He did return, alhamdulillah! He came back a changed man who first sought forgiveness from me and then from his mother. He had joined a madrasa to learn more about deen. Before that he had been frustrated and depressed, and his friends had added fuel to the fire so he’d wanted to run away from everyone.
He not only bought me my jewelry back but my lost happiness too. His change changed me forever. He promised to devote his life to spreading deen and making Allah (swt) happy. His initial lessons from the Quran had brought him home because he’d learned that serving the family and saving them from fire was incumbent on him.
O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe; they do not disobey Allah in what He commands them but do what they are commanded. [Quran, 66:6]
~Written by Umme Muhammad, an Islamic writer who loves to spread Islam through the pen.